Losing friends

 The world doesn't talk about how to break up with a friend. No one talks about how painful it is to have to walk away from a good friend, or how much it hurts to be left by a good friend.  There is so much focus on how to break up with a partner, and how to grieve and move on from those types of romantic relationships. But no one really talks about what to do with the grief of losing a friend.  It's normal for someone to struggle through a breakup of a partner, there is sympathy and understanding that come from the world around us. But if I was honest with the world around me about how I struggled to get out of bed, and how I was dragged down into a deep depression because I had to make the choice to walk away from a friend, everyone would look at me like I was crazy. 

Friend relationships are different from romantic ones, but that does not mean that they mean less to us... it's just different. There are different levels of friend relationships too. There are regular friends that we get along with and interact with on and off, and they come and go but it's not really painful. That connection is much more of a surface connection. But close friend relationships are on a different level. These people have been allowed into your safe spaces and they have been allowed to see parts of your soul. They "get you" and they accept you for who you are at any point in life. 

I think it's a little unexpected how hard it hits you when you have to let a friend go. I think it's the actively choosing to let them go that really makes things hard. If you are letting them go, you are already at some place of acceptance that they are just not anything that is good for you. For someone like me, choosing myself over someone who I cared about and who for a long time I believed cared about me, is not behavior I am used to or comfortable with. Willingly causing harm to another person for the sake of my own mental health has never been anything I have been interested in entertaining until recently. And then there is the major fear that "What if I am not actually causing them harm? What if I made everything up & it was all in my head? What if they never cared for me the way I believed, and my leaving them doesn't phase them at all?" I don't know what's worse.... causing harm to another person, or learning the awful truth that they never cared for you to begin with. Maybe this is why we stay in relationships and friendships that do not serve us, because the rejection we would face when we stop and look at the truth would kill us. We would rather exist in a pretend world where we are being used and exploited, just to feel a shred of acceptance, even if it's fake than to accept that we are not wanted by the people we believed cared for us and that we put so much of ourselves into. 

Maybe I just get too attached to "my people". Maybe I just need to learn to connect on a more shallow level. Then losing people wouldn't be so painful. Rejection wouldn't be so painful. Maybe if I was less invested and connected I'd be less surprised when they turn out to be completely different people than who they were showing me they were for years. Maybe I just refuse to see anything other than the good parts of people so I am always proving to myself that I have made a good decision and that I am safe. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe....

Who really knows though. It could be any of these things or all of them. Every relationship is 2 sided. I can only control my side of things. I can control how I act, and react, and how I choose to treat them and myself. I can choose to analyze what I feel went wrong and grow from a hard experience. I can choose to see what was good, and how this relationship helped me and benefitted me, even if its ending is painful. There was still some good, even if I don't fully know the intentions of the other person. I have learned and been taught and made changes that have helped me become a better person because of this relationship. Now that I am choosing to walk away, I am also learning from the pain, and making changes that will benefit myself and the people I choose to stay in contact with going forward. There is always something to learn. 

Making the choice to leave a toxic relationship, whether a friendship or a romantic relationship, is a courageous act of self-love. It is scary to step out onto that ledge for the first time and to actually stay away. I always thought that the leaving part is the hardest, but I am finding that "staying away" after you have left is much more difficult. That is where resiliency comes in. Leaving in a moment of courage, or frustration gives you a boost to do what needs to be done, but that boost doesn't last. It's during those calm, quiet moments of reflection that really test your strength and courage. Resiliency is built up in those moments when your nervous system and brain are saying "Oh shit! I messed up. I overreacted. Things weren't really as bad as I imagined them to be. I need to apologize and fix this. ect...." The continuous choosing of ourselves over the other person in these moments is what will build resilience and self-love. The constant thoughts of questioning ourselves get a little quieter every time we are successful in staying away and choosing ourselves. The constant need for reassurance, acceptance, and validation from that other person slowly starts to fade. Reassurance, acceptance, and validation from ourselves start to become enough and all that we need. That magnetic pull we feel, that is our brain trying to get us back to the level of toxicity we were existing in with this person because that is what we are used to, slowly starts to lose power. With every small battle like this that we win, we are one step closer and it gets easier to win the war.

It is exhausting, life feels heavy, and this path is full of anger, frustration, depression, and sadness. Never underestimate the powerful connection that comes from having a good friend in your life. Give yourself grace in these moments. Validate yourself, and acknowledge how hard it is to lose people you cared about. Losing connections like this changes us in ways that will stay with us forever. One cannot simply get over it and move on. You have to find a new path and a new way of existing in the world. It just takes time.